Chandni Tugnait, a psychotherapist, life and business coach, and founder-director of Gateway of Healing, says there are many reasons why people become emotionally unavailable to their partners. Tugnait talks about what one can do about this disconenct:
1. No personal boundaries
It can feel scary to put a certain distance between you and your partner and it can be hard to find that right balance between getting too close and being suffocated by the relationship. However, having solid boundaries would allow you to enjoy this relationship while not losing yourself in it.
2. They have unrealistic expectations
A lot of people tend to set themselves up for failure as they create unrealistic expectations; for example, they might expect their partner to always be available and willing to put their relationship first, leaving other things aside.
3. Having problems accepting your own flaws
The best way for your partner not to feel overwhelmed by your flaws is simply by first accepting them yourself. There are many people who refuse to take responsibility for some of the things they do wrong in relationships, yet they still get upset when their loved ones point out those flaws which in turn fuels the conflict between them. It is also very important to be empathetic towards your partner and try to understand their point of view so that you can establish a healthy communication.
4. They stop putting in effort
This is what will keep relationships alive. When people stop trying to make things work it usually means that they have lost interest in the relationship but still want to hold on to it for as long as possible; usually because they are afraid of being alone or lonely.
5. They start thinking that they don’t deserve better
A lot of us enter new relationships with the idea that we don’t deserve someone better and therefore we end up accepting all sorts of unacceptable behaviour from our partners. We might even be in this situation ourselves! Think about that for a second; when you think that you don’t deserve better, it means that one day you will stop making an effort to find someone who is actually good for you because deep down, the idea that, “they are as good as it gets” still lingers.
6. They stop seeing their partner’s flaws
A relationship can only work if both people acknowledge each other’s flaws and learn how to deal with them accordingly. For example, if your partner has anger management issues, much care needs to be taken so they don’t lash out at you when they get mad or hold a grudge after they calm down. However, this can only happen if both partners are willing to talk about their flaws and improve the way they act on them.
7. They don’t express their feelings
Even when it comes to expressing our feelings, some people tend to take things too far by saying everything that pops into their head without thinking or saying nothing and suppressing it all. This usually results in an overload or lack of information, respectively, that makes it hard for anyone to keep up with what’s going on. The worst part is that this never allows your partner to fully understand how you feel so they won’t be able to comfort you and help you through difficult situations. Expressing yourself is very important as you learn about what bothers you and how you can fix it while enabling your partner to understand and comfort you.
8. They try taking control over their relationship
Trying to control every aspect of a relationship usually results in a lack of communication, emotionally suffocating the partner, nagging, sulking, and prevents any kind of healthy relationship from emerging.
