In a heartfelt and complex circumstance, one lady faces an emotional quandary that tests the limits of love, memory, and identity. When asked to name her newborn daughter after her husband’s ʟᴀᴛᴇ ᴡɪғᴇ, she refuses.
She explained the situation.
I (39f) have been married to my spouse (45m) for three years. It is an exceptionally healthy relationship, and I could not ask for anything better.
He had previously been married at the age of 35 for a year and a half before his wife ᴅɪᴇᴅ of severe hypoxia caused by pulmonary edema. They were together for over four years, and the way he describes her is straight out of a fairy tale.
His ʟᴀᴛᴇ ᴡɪғᴇ was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy a year into their marriage and given medication to manage her symptoms; yet, she always expected to ᴅɪᴇᴅ, despite physicians’ assurances that she could live a normal life.
However, she was eventually diagnosed with pulmonary edema, and she began to prepare for her ᴅᴇᴀᴛʜ. She assured my husband that he could marry later, and that she wanted him to live a normal life. She did, however, beg that his future daughter be called after her if he ever has one, as she has always wanted one and has been unsuccessful in producing children.
My husband informed me of all of the above before to our marriage, but he did not mention his late wife’s wish. I empathized with him and was available anytime he needed help.
Anyway, I’m currently pregnant with our first child, and we’re both ecstatic. When we were deciding on baby names for our daughter, he insisted on naming her after his ʟᴀᴛᴇ ᴡɪғᴇ.
As expected, I declined and informed him that I couldn’t put that weight on our unborn daughter since she’d always remind him of his ʟᴀᴛᴇ ᴡɪғᴇ, and he wouldn’t recognize her as his daughter. That’s when he told me about the “pact” he agreed upon with his wife, and he believes that’s the only way he can pay her tribute.
I haven’t responded, and I haven’t informed him how I feel about it. I just told him we’ll see, because it’s too early to decide. I can’t help but feel upset since it seems that even after all these years, he would still prefer his ʟᴀᴛᴇ ᴡɪғᴇ above me.
I feel like a “rebound” in this scenario, and while I can’t blame myself, the way he insisted on name our daughter made me feel inadequate. I also can’t let him pay tribute like that since our kid will always feel like his first wife to him, if that makes sense.
What should I do in this situation, and am I in the wrong?
People stood on her side.
“You can’t make a pact on someone else’s behalf. He knew when making the promise to his wife, that any daughter would have another parent, who also would have to agree to the daughter’s name. Sounds like he needs some counseling to deal with the unresolved grief having a daughter is bringing up for him. No rational person would think this was a fair or reasonable request.” photos***rsandteach / Reddit
“Your daughter deserves her own identity.” gastropod43 / Reddit
“He’s treating you as a surrogate for his late wife.” throwaway444441111 / Reddit
“Here’s what I would say: ‘I am not a replacement or a rebound, and while you may have made this agreement with her, you did not make it with ME. I was not part of that discussion, and I never would have agreed to have a child with you if you were going to prioritize that agreement over our relationship. Additionally, our child will not be named after or raised in the shadow of your previous wife. I respect that you always love her in some respect, but our daughter deserves better than to grow up in someone else’s shadow.'” ChakraMama318 / Reddit
“This child is made up of you and him. Not her. There is nothing about her whatsoever involved. He’s being weird. If he wants a tribute, start a band.” Recent-Necessary-362 / Reddit
“Oh, he knew exactly what he was doing, he didn’t mention it beforehand because he knew it was an outrageous request. I would not stand my child under that shadow. It’s non-negotiable, I would leave him before I would allow it. At this point, even if I had a so, I would never see him the same again.” whatsmypassword73 / Reddit
While this decision may not have been easy, it displays her deep knowledge of the need of honoring both the memory of the deceased and the promise of the new life she has brought into being. Through this, she wishes to prepare the road for her daughter to grow up with her own identity, embracing a future in which she can forge her own path, free of the weight of a name with too much history.
