This is GOLD.
Tom Mabe: โWhoโs calling?โ
Telemarketer: โThis is Mike. You have been selected to receive a complete digital satellite system for free. With this youโre going to-โ
Tom Mabe: โLet me ask you something. Did you know Tom Mabe? Were you a friend of his?โ
Mike: โNo Iโm not. Iโm just calling to offer-โ
Tom Mabe: โHol-hol-hold that thought- hold on a second (to others in the room: Hey guys! Get really good pictures of the bodyโฆ and dust everything for prints.) Mike, you there?โ
Mike: โ-Yeahโฆโ
Tom Mabe: โYeah, lemme bring you up to speed. Youโve actually called a murder sceneโฆ Mr. Mabe is no longer with us.. Iโm Officer Clarke, Iโm conducting a homicide investigation. I want to ask you a series of questionsโฆ First to all, what was the nature of the business you had with Tom Mabe?โ
Mike: โIโฆI had no business with him. Iโm sorry to have bothered-
Tom Mabe: No no no hang on, Iโm going to ask you to stay on the phoneโฆ this call has already been traced and we may need to come in for further questioningโฆโ
Mike: โYou donโt understand, Iโm just calling-โ
Tom Mabe: โNo, you donโt understand. Unless you want to be charged with Obstruction of Justice, it is imperative that you keep your @$$ on the phone, Mike.โ
Mike: โHow about you just talk to my supervisor?โ
Tom Mabe: โNo, we will get to your supervisor in a second. First, gimme your whereaboutsโฆโ
Mike: โIโm at work.โ
Tom Mabe: โYouโre at work?โ
Mike: โYes.โ
Tom Mabe: โYou beinโ a smart @$$?โ
Mike: โNo sir-โ
Tom Mabe: โLemme put it to you this way, Mike. Say I want to mail your @$$ a letter. What would I have to write on the outside of that envelope to ensure that the mailman will deliver it right to your @$$? Geographically speaking, Mike, where is work?โ
Mike: โ40 West (beep), Middleton, Colorado.โ
Tom Mabe: โHold on, thatโs 40โฆโ
Mike: โYes sir.โ
Tom Mabe: โMichael, hold on one sec, alright?โ
Mike: โYes sir.โ
Tom Mabe: โ(off phone to cops) Get the Middleton Homicide Department on the phone. Yeah, give them this information. Tell them there been a Talk In Connection with a fatal shooting and aggravated robbery.โ (on phone) โMike, how did you know Mr. Mabe again?โ
Mike: โWait, youรขโฌโขre calling the Middleton Police Department?! Iโm hundreds of miles away! I donโt even know the guy, Iโm in Colorado!โ
Tom Mabe: โNo, no, itโs not that scary, thatโs just a formality. Have you been to his place of residence?โ
Mike: โNo!โ
Tom Mabe: โOK, and tell me again what, where were you last night between the hours of 8 and 10?โ
Mike: โIโm not feeling really comfortable with any of thisโฆโ
Tom: โHave you even ever spoken to Mr. Mabe, Mike?โ
Mike: โNo, I donโt even know the guy- thatโs what Iโve been trying to tell you!โ
Tom Mabe: โOk, great, just calm down, hold on, look, just back upโฆ Iโve got just one more question fer you, Mikeโฆ as you well know, Iโm sure, Mr. Mabe was a flaming homosexual. And there is no easy way of asking thisโฆ I donโt wanna embarress you or nothinโโฆ butโฆ were you his gay lover?
Mike: What?! No! What the hell kind of question is that?!
Tom Mabe: Look look, if gay is your way, thatโs Ok. I still know there are a lotta you gay people in that closet. Not sayinโ I havenโt thought โbout it myselfโฆ you know? Go out to Las Vegas, or somethinโ. Buy a couple oโ drinksโฆ cut lilโ Mexican midgetโฆโ
Mike: โThis is ridiculous! (hangs up.)โ
Tom Mabe: โHello?โ
